August 24, 2023

A Message of Love and Loss

Written By

**Trigger Warning** Discussion of suicide and grief

Sometimes it can feel like there are no words for the grief we feel when we lose a loved one to suicide. But sometimes, it can be through words that we channel our pain and find connection.

This message comes from one of our peer supporters Lily, and her mother. 

Kia ora, my name is Lily and I thought I would be vulnerable and share a bit about why I am volunteering for Life Matters Suicide Prevention. On the 8th of August in 2020 my Aunty Kim chose to take her own life. I watched my family deteriorate, and with all the pressures COVID 19 had added it seemed like the end of the world. It was awful to see especially my mum, who has already been through so much, lose her sister in this way. This has forever impacted our family and has motivated me to support others who have been or are going through a similar experience. 

Here is a poem my mum wrote that she has agreed to share. Please learn the signs and check in with your loved ones, you could spare so much.

To Kim,

Today three years ago you made a decision that will forever leave my heart

with a permanent incision

Today you must have been in so much pain to think taking your life was the

only gain

Today they made the final call, we pushed your body down the hall, holding

each other tight so we didn’t fall

The hardest thing to do was to give the parts of you to strangers who we

never knew maybe this would help us push on through

My beating heart begins to race whenever I think of your never aging face

I lose my breath when I think of your death, and hope only one day this

feeling won’t feel so heavy in my chest

You told me once you understand people’s choice to die, and this just leaves

me with so many unanswered questions of why?

"If only” are the words I often say because then I would never have to

experience this day

I'm sorry to write such words of sorrow but for you Kim there is no

tomorrow and that pain feels as big as Mt Kilimanjaro

I try not to cry as much as the years go by but if I’m honest that’s a big lie

Your family keeps their emotions a little too hush, but if we actually let the

reality in it would all be too much

I think living in denial could mean your death isn’t actually final

I beg for this to be true, please come back and I’ll always be here for you

I've been told there is nothing I could have done more, to keep you wanting

to knock on heaven’s door

I need you here to help me Kim when my light is fading and dim

I thought we made a deal to tell each other how we feel even when we felt

we couldn’t heal

It's so sad we could relate when we were both in an unstable mental state but

never did I believe that you would chose your own fate

Sometimes not being here comes into my vision but because of the hurt from

your decision, I do all I can to keep on my life’s mission

Maybe your demons were just too strong and they convinced you to do

something so wrong I tell myself this so I can keep soldiering on

Kim, I hope you have found your safe place and one day not too soon though

we will be face to face

Thank goodness for fan tails and butterflies the signs your spirit is still alive

From your sister,